"I'm not an alcoholic, I am freedom fighter against the teetotal taliban."
"You can leave a kid alone and it will learn to fend for itself, how to work the remote, a tin opener, and the microwave. I see the holidays as a chance for kids to learn self-sufficiency."
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Source: Source: www.mirror.co.uk
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More quotes by Al Murray
"The American dream? We don't have a dream in Britain because we're bloody awake!"
"It's a weight problem isn't it; you can't wait for lunch."
"Louis Pasteur, the great scientist, said "chance favours the prepared mind", which is a posh way of saying 'do your homework', but it's an excellent piece of advice."
"My mum had a cousin that had played when he was younger. When I showed an interest in drumming, he showed me how to mummy-daddy roll and that set me up for a bit. And to be honest, it's all about the sound, the noise, the rattle and hum. Who wouldn't want to make a fantastic noise with drums and cymbals?!"
"We need a war every 10 years, so we can stay match fit in case the Germans try again."