"He's a really nice guy, if only I weren't me."
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Quote collection
Augusten Burroughs quotes (page 9 of 13)
248 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"What police officer would dare ticket Death's minivan?"
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"The only other people who have had experiences similar to those of this man were locked up inside institutions for the criminally insane. The difference is, this guy gets business cards."
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"We were young. We were bored. And the old electroshock therapy machine was just under the stairs in a box next to the Hoover."
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"Before I'm a writer, I'm definitely a reader and when I read memoir, I really want it to be true."
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"I knew that he was as reliable as a mathematical formula."
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"What I really want is to sit next to someone under an L.L. bean blanket on the beach in the fall and drink coffee from the same mug. I don't want some rusty '73 Ford Pinto with a factory-defective gas tank that causes it to explode when it's rear-ended in the parking lot of the supermarket. So why do I keep looking for Pintos?"
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"While I liked hamsters, too, the Habitrail cage was expensive. Even I could see that the interconnecting boxes, tubes, and spheres could easily bankrupt a family and lead to addiction later in life. Because, how would you know when to stop? How could you stop? An entire city could be built with a Habitrail."
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"and she's a nurse. do you know how hard nursing school is? it's like medical school. so she's obviously smart."
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"The problem with not having anybody to tell you what to do, I understood, is that there was nobody to tell you what not to do."
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"If you find you require willpower, you aren't ready to lose weight."
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"Even when we lose an arm or a leg, there's not less of us but more. Human experience weighs more than human tissue."
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"I couldn't help but think, This car is taking me to a mental hospital and my mother is treating it like open-mic night at a Greenwich Village café."
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"I realized I could really become hooked on these happy pills. They gave me a glorious feeling of general well-being and didn't make me fat, like alcohol. I wondered if there was any harm in being addicted to only these."
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"My brother was born without taste or the desire to be professionally lit."
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"All of us are richer and more fascinating and more complex than we can ever know."
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"No matter your spiritual beliefs, if you hold any, the answer is the same: sometimes, why is not knowable. If you open the refrigerator door and a tub of Kozy Shack tapioca pudding tumbles out and splats open onto the floor, you clean it. You don’t stand there and question why it happened, how it was possible. Why doesn’t matter now."
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"Truthfulness itself is almost medication, even when it’s served without advice or insight."
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"All children should be loved, protected, nurtured --emotionally and intellectually-- respected, and never, under any circumstances, underestimated."
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"I don't believe in the concept of a soul mate. Because we are all unique, but we're also simply too similar."
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