"I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly."
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest."
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Source: Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.135, Open Road Media
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"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism."
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
"Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead."