"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
"You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!"
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More quotes by Groucho Marx
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."