"There is something supremely reassuring about television; the worst is always yet to come."
"It's like being called up in the draft. The peculiar joy of hemorrhaging without bleeding starts when the evil little red light glows on the monstrous camera."
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Source: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, Berkley Publishing Group, 1992.
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More quotes by Jack Gould
"Mr. Presley has no discernible singing ability . . . For the ear he is an unutterable bore, not nearly so talented as Frank Sinatra back in the latter's rather hysterical days at the Paramount Theater."
"Commercials on television are similar to sex and taxes; the more talk there is about them, the less likely they are to be curbed."
"Why not pick up the new full-length motion picture at the corner drugstore and then run it through one's home TV receiver?"
"Mr. Presley has no discernible singing ability."
"One does not allow the plumbers to decide the temperature, depth and timing of a bath."