"The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing."
"British ferries have stopped transporting live animals to the Continent. This has made it very difficult for England fans to get to Away matches."
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More quotes by Jo Brand
"People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare."
"I have big friends who won't go swimming because they're too embarrassed about it. I feel that's such a shame, because actually people should be encouraging fat people who are exercising to do it, not pointing and laughing."
"There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go."
"There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society."
"The problem with comedy audiences - it's like the Coliseum - when they see someone struggling, they don't feel altruistic towards them. They feel slightly repulsed by it."