"Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp."
"When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor."
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Source: Hillary the Calculator by Rich Lowry, www.realclearpolitics.com. January 24, 2007.
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"The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized."
"The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's just Tasmania.' The second time I came, some nut shot up Columbine High School. Now I'm here again, and another nut just shot up a high school in Minnesota. If you can't see the connection between me playing the Comedy Festival and mass murder, you're no good at conspiracy theories."
"The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves."
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"The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance."