"Donald Trump said that if President Obama releases his birth certificate, Trump will release his tax return. Obama said he won't run for a second term if Trump releases that thing on his head."
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"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less."
"CNN’s Rick Sanchez said the Jews run CNN. Ah, so that’s who we blame for Rick Sanchez."
"Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters."
"You know, without my telling you, how sometimes a word or name eludes you, and you seek it through running ghosts of shadow -- leaping at it, lying in wait for it to spring upon it, spreading faint snares for it of sense or sound: until, of a sudden, as if in a phantom forest, you hear it, see it flash among the branches, and scarcely knowing how, suddenly have it."
"When God made man the devil was at his elbow. A creature that can do anything. Make a machine. And a machine to make the machine. And evil that can run itself a thousand years, no need to tend it."
"Small quarrels and tensions were expected because of our new environment. Every relationship has them. Each quarrel was soon forgotten and floated away on a wave. And then sometimes, on our silly days, the arguments returned on the wave, but the wave returned taller, a Tsunami, and neither of us knew where to run or what to do."
"I remember facing him on opening day in 1987. It was Oakland at the Minnesota Twins, the first time I got him out on a breaking ball down-and-in and next at bat he hit the same pitch for a home run. I was telling my kids that story yesterday."
"Oil runs America and it's the sad reality."
"I think that as people and as humans, our social pattern is to always run away from problems... as humans in general."
"Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney."
"According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats."
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor."
"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy."
"Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048."
"In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun."
"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber."
"California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie."
"There's something about the first time an actor runs the material over his or her face you know when they kind of run it through their eyes and you see the thing and there is little imperfections in it and not every line is delivered perfectly, and it doesn't have that mechanical feeling."
"The tax incentives are things the music business can emulate. If I own Yesterday by the Beatles and I go to a bank and try to borrow $10,000 and use that song as collateral, they wouldn't know what to do. They would run me out of the bank. Whereas if we get specialized people who know how to appraise the value of intellectual property like songs, catalogs and master recordings, they know how to put some type of value on it. They have this in Nashville and Los Angeles. New Orleans is just starting to get it."