"Environmentalists have a very conflicted relationship with their cars."
"Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right - they are the dumbest team in America."
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More quotes by Tom Arnold
"Dating is so insecure. My last relationship, I was always there for her and she dumped me. I told her about it. I said, "Remember when your grandma died? I was there. Remember when you flunked out of school? I was there. Remember when you lost your job? I was there!" She said, "I know"
"My wife's nagging is like living near the airport. After a while you don't notice it any more."
"People still question my sobriety, my commitment to the program, and that hurts. I take things day by day, and sometimes I take them minute by minute, but I honor my commitment to stay sober."
"Any time your head explodes, that's not a good situation."
"Women; can't live with em, can't kill em"