"It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV."
"Everybody sort of questioned why we get married on New Year's Day, and of course, the avid sports fans wouldn't come, because they had to watch the Rose Bowl or whatever that is on that day."
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"Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!."
"Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."
"You can't create a monster, then whine when it stomps on a few buildings."
"Being myself didn't work. Being someone else didn't work. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends."
"A man who envies our family is a man who needs help."