"Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with."
"My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit."
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More quotes by Dana Gould
"Competition is the death of art."
"Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?"
"They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino."
"Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog."
"The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family."