"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout."
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Source: Twitter post from Jun 12, 2012
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
"How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray."
"I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine."
"The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man."
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."