Mark Twain
Writer, Humorist
"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed."
Humor quotes
Humor
3.8K quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
Rabindranath Tagore
Poet, Playwright, Novelist
"It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple."
Voltaire
Philosopher, Writer
"In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another."
George Bernard Shaw
Playwright, Critic
"A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other."
Steven Wright
Comedian
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
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Humor quotes (page 1 of 192)
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"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
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"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
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"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat."
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"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
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"If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"
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"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
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"A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody."
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"The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts."
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"There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies."
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"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
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"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians."
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"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."
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"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
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"The man who is truly good and wise will bear with dignity whatever fortune sends, and will always make the best of his circumstances."
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"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
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"I think pimp, therefore i am."
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"Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives."
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"I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole.""
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"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
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"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease."
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