"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
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Source: 'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin'). Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.
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"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."