"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about."
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Source: Twitter post from Dec 01, 2010
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
"How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray."
"I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine."
"The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man."
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."