"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'"
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Source: Demetri Martin (2011). “This Is a Book”, p.47, Hachette UK
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"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."