"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!"
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Source: Twitter post from May 14, 2013
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
"How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray."
"I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine."
"The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man."
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."