"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate."
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Source: Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin. Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.
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"The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man."
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."