"I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."
"You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings."
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
"How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray."
"I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine."
"The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man."
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
"Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you."