Quote collection
361 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I think what saved me is me being honest. I think I somewhow had the courage to do something and say something that I knew would possibly end my career. Instead of making business more important I made my soul and my life more important. And I think by being truthful, and being honest, that saved me."
"It's such an honor to receive the Mark Twain Prize. To get the same award that has been given to people like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey and Will Ferrell, it really makes me wonder… why didn't I get this sooner?"
"There are “well-known secrets” out there and there are people who are “so happy they could die.” Sometimes people are so sad they have to laugh and sometimes things feel so wrong, they’re right. Basically what I’m saying is, I usually don’t know what people are talking about."
"I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going."
"I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] I mean, I think this part is great but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored."
"That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it."
"I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now."
"Honestly, I would eat cardboard rather than go back to eating animals."
"I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on."
"We put the wrong emphasis on what beauty is and what health is. Health is being vibrant and having energy and being happy."
"I watch people's behavior and notice things. I think that's why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are."
"If success is really dependent on someone liking you or not liking you, and you have to teeter on that kind of tightrope of how you're supposed to act and how you're supposed to look and who you are, it's just not a healthy way to live."
"Above all, I strive to be the best I can - to be better than I was yesterday and better tomorrow."
"It's just, you can get very complacent if you do the same thing all the time and especially the comedian, it gives me you know different things to react to and respond to, and it stimulates me."
"I always like using different muscles, you can take that however you want. But doing something once a year is fantastic, I highly recommended it if you can do it. It's a wonderful thing, it's very freeing and I can put a lot of energy and attention onto it and it's something I love doing."
"I always worry when someone's a good golfer. It's like you shouldn't have time to be good at anything. You should just be a politician and you shouldn't have time to practice golf."
"I have the picture of Barack [Obama] and me dancing right outside of my dressing room door, I see it every single day, and it makes me very happy."
"I get my dance moves from just moving around and listening to music and not really worrying about if it's perfect or not."
"I think people need to laugh everyday. Whether the economy is good or bad, I think the most important thing is to laugh and to feel positive, if you are laughing at something positive. But if you are laughing at mean jokes then it's a wash."
"I don't really ever live my life in fear. I really live my life in gratitude and feeling positive for the most part."