"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
"A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again.""
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More quotes by Frank Carson
"What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish."
"I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas.""
"A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.""
"Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?""
"There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches."