"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
Read quote
86 likes
Quote collection
Frank Carson quotes (page 1 of 3)
57 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish."
Read quote
84 likes
"I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas.""
Read quote
18 likes
"A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.""
Read quote
17 likes
"Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?""
Read quote
15 likes
"There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches."
Read quote
12 likes
"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"
Read quote
11 likes
"An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's.""
Read quote
11 likes
"A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!""
Read quote
10 likes
"My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror.""
Read quote
10 likes
"A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself."
Read quote
9 likes
"A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window.""
Read quote
9 likes
"I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer."
Read quote
9 likes
"A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard.""
Read quote
9 likes
"It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much.""
Read quote
9 likes
"A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday.""
Read quote
9 likes
"There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous.""
Read quote
9 likes
"I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens."
Read quote
8 likes
"I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner.""
Read quote
8 likes
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."
Read quote
8 likes