"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
"I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night."
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More quotes by Frank Carson
"What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish."
"I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas.""
"A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife.""
"Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?""
"There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches."