"I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence."
"In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'."
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Source: Lewis Grizzard (1995). “Life Is Like a Dogsled Team . . . If You're Not the Lead Dog, the Scenery Never Changes: The Wit and Wisdom of Lewis Grizzard”, Longstreet Press
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"It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato."
"There's no such thing as being too Southern."
"The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it."
""Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy."
"The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."