"I had an Aston Martin phone worth ?15,000 given to me as a present. I dropped it in a gin and tonic about 15 seconds after opening it."
"If I see another David Gold interview on the poor East End Jewish boy done good I'll impale myself on one of his dildos."
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More quotes by Simon Jordan
"I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless."
"Agents are nasty scum. They're evil and divisive and pointless. They only survive because the rest of the sport is so corrupt and because leading football club people employ their sons in the job."
"In retrospect, of course I regret calling them (Charlton fans) morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate."
"What does Everton chairman Bill Kenwright think he will get for £6m? Andy Johnson's trainers?"
"I'm no respecter of tradition and I have no time for the Manchester Uniteds and Arsenals of this world. There's nothing to admire in these clubs. They're just bullshit worlds full of bullshit people."