"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
"Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it."
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"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."
"Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing."
"Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one."
"So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress."