Lewis Grizzard
Author, Humorist
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Hilarious quotes
Hilarious
240 quotes on this topic — from poets, philosophers, and thinkers across history.
Mark Twain
Writer, Humorist
"Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you."
Voltaire
Philosopher, Writer
"The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity."
Albert Einstein
Physicist
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Robert Frost
Poet
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day."
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Hilarious quotes (page 1 of 12)
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"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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217 likes
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
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196 likes
"After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'"
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"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong."
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"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?"
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"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
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155 likes
"I've had great success being a total idiot."
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125 likes
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
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"Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him."
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105 likes
"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."
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"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
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"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
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"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men."
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96 likes
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
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95 likes
"Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit."
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"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"
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"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
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"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
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"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
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"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."
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