"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
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"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
"We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."
"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."
"Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program."