Quote collection
360 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins? And George will reply It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"
"The truth is, if anything, I'm probably addicted to laughter."
"Sometimes it’s more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth."
"Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers."
"The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, 'what's that noise?'"
"All the new people you meet, it's pretty amazing. The vampire needs new blood. And there is still a lot to learn and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful."
"To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world."
"Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running."
"I want to do a movie, but it has to be the right movie, whether it's independent or a studio movie. I'm much more open to being a supporting actor. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it."
"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."
"Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person."
"A lot of celebrities golf because they want to be away. For them it's a chance to get away and be peaceful. For me it's peaceful to ride [cycling]."
"Carpe per diem - seize the check."
"How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am."
"We are surrounded by a lot of failed ecosystems; the moon being one, Mars, Venus. Theres evidence of water on Mars and rivers and it didnt take. Also, we have planets to guard us like Jupiter and Saturn that take the hits of the comets. It is miraculous that we exist on this planet, that it took."
"She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other"
"I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'"
"The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit."
"What some folks call impossible is just stuff they haven't seen before."
"Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!"