"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
"Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers."
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More quotes by Dave Allen
"We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock."
"Goodnight, thank you, and may your God go with you."
"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
"My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties."
"How could I have not known about Ume? An Austin trio fronted by a whirling dervish of singer guitarist who in the standard PR band head shot looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly; yet give her a guitar, a Marshall stack and a mic and stand back, way back. She shreds. File under - Do Not Overlook and Go Tell Your Friends"