"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
"South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!"
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Source: The Dennis Miller Show, June 28, 2004.
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"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."
"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
"We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."
"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."