"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
"The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood."
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Source: Ranting Again. Book by Dennis Miller, June 1998.
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"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."
"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
"We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head."
"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse."
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."