Quote collection
57 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg.""
"My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon."
"Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap."
"Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!"
"I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there.""
"I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."
"Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish."
"I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?""
"Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen."
"The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid."
"A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen.""
"I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was."
"I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers."
"My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people."
"America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million."
"My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick."
"My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'"