Quote collection
57 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages.""
"A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again.""
"What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist."
"An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was."
"I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle.""
"I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed."
"I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man."
"There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt."
"It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me."
"The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?"
"Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag."
"I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it.""
"A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here.""
"This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober."
"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?""
"People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous."
"I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour."
"I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night."
"Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?"
"My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p."