"You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'"
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Quote collection
John Oliver quotes (page 1 of 7)
125 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there."
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"I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King."
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"News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right."
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"Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson."
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"Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts."
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"According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'"
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"One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional."
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"The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world."
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"Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath."
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"Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh."
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"Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it."
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"People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing."
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"Politics has become infused with narcissism in America."
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"Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f---ing wants them there."
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"It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge."
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"When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing."
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"The only thing I'm nervous about is talking to guests like human beings, because all of my interviews so far have been attacking people. I have a genuine concern about sitting across from an actor whose movies I obviously haven't seen."
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"The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator."
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"Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you."
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