Quote collection
125 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American."
"There are two kinds of hecklers: the destructive and constructive hecklers."
"There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers."
"It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be."
"In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face."
"Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby."
"I can't relax. I find vacations problematic."
"The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong."
"A Southern accent is not a club in my bag."
"I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way."
"Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted."
"As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth."
"Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way."
"If you’ve been here, in New York, it has been dominated by the UN General Assembly, the annual event where delegates come from all over the world to f*** up this city’s traffic."
"I would hate to meet myself at 15."
"We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound."
"People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor."
"When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth."
"The disconnect between America and its military is shocking."
"Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being."