Quote collection
269 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster."
"When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!"
"Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green."
"Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!"
"One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it."
"I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time."
"You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long."
"The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless."
"Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week."
"If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < ."
"Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful."
"Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar."
"I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it's really just - I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn't help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that's not a good way to learn."
"Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich."
"And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye."
"It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance."
"I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism."
"Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight."
"We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe."
"There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever."