"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
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More quotes by Steven Wright
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"