"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"
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Quote collection
Steven Wright quotes (page 1 of 27)
529 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
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"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
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"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
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"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"
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"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
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"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"
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"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
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"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
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"The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there."
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"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
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"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
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"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
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"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing."
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"I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time."
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"You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head."
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"How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?"
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"How do you get off a non-stop flight?"
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