"The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil."
Read quote
8 likes
Quote collection
Chic Murray quotes (page 2 of 2)
34 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since."
Read quote
7 likes
"A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on."
Read quote
7 likes
"I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time."
Read quote
6 likes
"I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to."
Read quote
6 likes
"She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress."
Read quote
5 likes
"Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep."
Read quote
3 likes
"I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section."
Read quote
3 likes
"A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet."
Read quote
3 likes
"We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements."
Read quote
3 likes
"I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself."
Read quote
3 likes
"There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed."
Read quote
3 likes
"I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly."
Read quote
3 likes
"If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?"
Read quote
3 likes