Quote collection
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear."
"I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship."
"Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?"
"If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles."
"In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes."
"I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive."
"Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?"
"If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies."
"It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!"
"My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good."
"Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face."
"If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties."
"The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad."
"I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children."
"It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7."
"Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price."
"I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave."
"As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see."
"What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up."
"Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding."