"Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 12 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey."
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"One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning."
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"Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea."
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"Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque."
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"How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?"
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"Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis."
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"Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day."
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"Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?"
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"I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire."
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"I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts."
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"Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?"
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"It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear."
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"Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen."
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"Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!"
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"We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes."
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"If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer."
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"As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf."
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"The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off."
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"I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy."
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