"If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 9 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family."
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"I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right."
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"To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash."
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"There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly."
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"If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow."
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"There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store."
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"Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?"
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"Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs."
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"We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right"
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"Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles."
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"If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?"
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"I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures."
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"Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times."
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"We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
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"I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!"
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"Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!"
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"Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort."
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"If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke."
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"I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone."
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