"It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?"
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 10 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did."
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"I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically."
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"My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road."
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"Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?"
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"Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?"
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"If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?"
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"If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?"
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"I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter."
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"Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety."
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"I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers."
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"Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show."
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"The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live."
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"If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound."
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"New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!"
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"Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed."
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"Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?"
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"A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says."
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"They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward."
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"I take the Bible literally, but not seriously."
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