"The average permanent lasts about four months."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 13 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking."
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"When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?"
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"If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised."
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"I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions."
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"I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!"
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"No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist."
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"Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home."
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"If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?"
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"I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free."
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"People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective."
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"When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person."
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"You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers."
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"You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works."
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"The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
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"A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby."
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"Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps."
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"I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers."
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"Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone."
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"The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding."
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