"I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 6 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel."
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"Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges."
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"That which does not kill you isn't finished."
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"Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'."
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"My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop."
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"If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup."
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"I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy."
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"Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant."
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"Corn is the only food you hold like corn."
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"Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off."
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"If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load."
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"I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart."
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"I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off."
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"If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag."
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"Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships."
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"That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again."
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"A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals."
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"Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream."
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"Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten."
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