Quote collection
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president."
"The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb."
"When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet."
"If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice."
"Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend."
"Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty."
"Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with."
"In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike."
"I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones."
"When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago."
"Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched."
"Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years."
"Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?"
"Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise."
"My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere."
"I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line."
"There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums."
"I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman."
"What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number."
"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh."