"The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 7 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother."
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"I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor."
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"My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer."
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"Being funny is not the same as being happy."
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"I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!"
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"Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes."
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"For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire."
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"Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done."
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"I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it."
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"I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working."
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"Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in."
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"I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech."
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"I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes."
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"My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats."
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"How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?"
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"As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos."
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"Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen."
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"Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife."
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"I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else."
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