"Why do old people drive with their mouths open?"
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 8 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault."
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"Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison."
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"Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off."
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"My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights."
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"Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."
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"What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one."
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"The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes."
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"A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife."
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"Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description."
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"The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging."
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"Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it."
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"Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face."
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"There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich."
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"Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding."
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"Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?"
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"Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage."
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"A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse."
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"The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone."
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"As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door."
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