"The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now."
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Quote collection
Dana Gould quotes (page 5 of 13)
260 quotes — follow a thought to its full quote page.
"One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"
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"Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right."
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"I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter."
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"The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out."
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"If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason."
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"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas."
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"Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
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"Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible."
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"As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea."
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"Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!"
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"Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
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"There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare."
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"Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change."
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"One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs."
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"Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'."
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"If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage."
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"I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes."
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"Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions."
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"Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants."
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